New

There was always a line stuck in your head
That was said in a way you wished you could've said
But you both knew they were singin' it right to you
It felt so good those times you had
That feelin' of wanting somebody so bad
~Eli Young Band "Always the Love Songs"

Its those feelings of excitement and newness that keep me going through the day. I don't know whats going to happen tomorrow, much less today for that matter. Its an adventure. I'm learning things about myself that I never knew. I've truly grown in the past 2 weeks. Its very earth shattering. Knowing that someone cares about you and having them express it is a beautiful thing. It gives you this feeling of euphoria. I can't say that i'm in love again. I'm guarding myself too much for that. I can say that i'm twitterpated though, and its a wonderful feeling.

One hell of a day.

Well today started off okay. I slept in till a little after 8, but had to get up and go to the doctor. Things just felt wrong though. So I got ready, poked myself in the eye with my fingernail while doing so. Made my eye water and ruin the make-up on that eye. So I had to redo it. Then I go to the gas station to get gas. No major disaster, just couldn't find anything I wanted to eat. I mean i've been puking for days, you'd think i'd be able to find something I wanted. I settled for a chocolate chip cookie.

I'm on my way to the doctor's office, at which I couldn't get an appointment and had to be a "walk in", so i'd be sitting there all freakin' day. On the way there though my tire went flat! Luckily there was this really nice guy at the house I pulled over in front of and he changed my tire for me. Well I finally get to the doctor's office and they've upped the price. No big deal, I got extra cash. So as I sit and wait forever my phone rings the entire time. Tookey is being admitted to the hospital. Great!

So I finally see the doctor. I've lost 10 lbs, my blood pressure is good, but he still thinks i'm too fat (well yeah, I know that!). So I'm having kidney issues due to my diabetes. So either I up my medicine or start insulin. Not counting that he thinks something is wrong with my galbladder (a fact I will ignore altogether right now!). I take my prescription to the pharmacy and they say "Sorry it won't be ready till tomorrow", I mean really can a girl catch a break?!?! So I went over to the hospital for bloodwork and for once they were very effecient and I barely even felt the stick.

So I go up a floor to Tookey's room to see what's happening with him. He is going into surgery very soon. So I hang out. Well they come in to take his blood and I hit the door. By this time it was almost 2 and I hadn't had any lunch. So I went to the Cafeteria and got a salad (I thought i'd eat healthy). It sucked! By this time we're in the Surgery Waiting room. So I threw the salad out and went to the vending machine. 90 cents for a bag of Cheese Bugles that got stuck! Luckily a nice lady rescued me and got them out.

Well Tookey came out of surgery and was just ill as can be and wouldn't go back to sleep. So we're fighting with him for a while. Well they come in with meds and stuff so I stepped out. As i'm walking up and down the hall the music starts playing in the hall that a new baby was born. It crushed me. At that point I couldn't hold it together anymore. I decided to go to choir. Now i'm sitting at home, wishing I could eat something, but realizing I shouldn't. I'm sad, depressed, fat, and hungry. Now that is hell!

The good thing is that I have wonderful friends that truly care about me. And I can thank God for the bad things, because it makes the good things so much better!

Ugh!

So i've kind of been in a downward spiral since last week. I hate feeling like this. I'm just so on edge. I feel like a failure. I just wish that I could feel fulfilled. I know why i'm not feeling it. There just isn't anything I can do about it. I look at all these people who are happy and I realize whats missing for me. I just have to wait. Still. Always waiting.

Freedom

I'm free. Finally! I no longer look down at my hand and feel heartbroken. The bare finger is fine with me. Yes, I realize its bare, but it no longer breaks my heart or causes a welling up of emotion. I'm no longer tied to feeling like a bad person. I'm finally starting to feel like me again. I'm ready to move on in life. Alone, happy and free!

The Long Drive Home

I just wanted to get home. Thats it. Just wanted to be back in the safety of my house. Now that i'm here I can't stand it. The drive seemed to take forever. I mean what do you expect at 2:30 AM. I could have stayed in town, but I told them I just wanted to sleep in my bed. When in all actuality my bed is the last place I want to be. Its lonely there. Its lonely everywhere. I went out with 3 of the greatest girls I know tonight, but I was still alone. I hate that feeling. You know the one where you in a crowded place but you feel like you're the only person existing (or at least trying to). So many emotions are running through my head. I don't know which one to grab onto. The drive home didn't help since it was quiet the whole way (*note to self get a car with a radio!*). It was 30 minutes inside my head with nothing to distract me but my thoughts. Its my own inner sanctum of hell! I want to be happy, truly I do. Its hard to be though. Its hard to ignore the ache that is constantly in my chest. I want to be a good sport and hang out with my gal pals, but its hard when all they talk about is the men in their lives.

I thought tonight was going to be a stay at the house with the girls and chat. I knew that alone would be painful enough. Then a discussion came up that hurts me. It always has and probably always will. Its something i'll never be able to experience. Then we got the call to "hang out" with a few other people. So we went. I hate going in public with them. They all have men falling over them, when I am just plain. Background. Usually just there and introduced as the designated driver. Then bragging begins. Then the OMG! OMG! OMG! he is really into me talk. All when I feel like i'm dying on the inside. The one place I wanted to be was back at home in bed. I wished and hoped for it all night. Now, I can't do it. I don't want to be alone.

I just get so tired of being just me. I hate it. I hate the pain that I feel. I hate being stuck inside my head and sometimes just wish I could stop thinking for a while. It just hurts. I'm so tired of hurting.

fact or fiction

I've been reading this new book series. I've enjoyed them so much i've read 3 this week alone and they aren't thin books by any means. I can't help but want what the character has though. Not only does she have 1 guy that loves her for all eternity but 2! We'll just put aside the fact that one is a vampire and the other a werewolf. They truly love her and she loves them. I just can't help but wonder when i'll be able to love somebody. The kind of love that will last through all eternity, that is so strong that both of them are willing to give her up so she can be happy. I could understand her pain though when she was without either of them. Its the hole that feels like its going to consume you. Sometimes I wonder when my hole will be whole and a hole no longer.

Blogging

Ok, so here is my first shot at this. Usually I would just do this in my PFY, but since i've been kicked out of Egypt i'm starting my own space. I will ramble, I will vent, I will cry. Hope you enjoy!