The Long Drive Home

I just wanted to get home. Thats it. Just wanted to be back in the safety of my house. Now that i'm here I can't stand it. The drive seemed to take forever. I mean what do you expect at 2:30 AM. I could have stayed in town, but I told them I just wanted to sleep in my bed. When in all actuality my bed is the last place I want to be. Its lonely there. Its lonely everywhere. I went out with 3 of the greatest girls I know tonight, but I was still alone. I hate that feeling. You know the one where you in a crowded place but you feel like you're the only person existing (or at least trying to). So many emotions are running through my head. I don't know which one to grab onto. The drive home didn't help since it was quiet the whole way (*note to self get a car with a radio!*). It was 30 minutes inside my head with nothing to distract me but my thoughts. Its my own inner sanctum of hell! I want to be happy, truly I do. Its hard to be though. Its hard to ignore the ache that is constantly in my chest. I want to be a good sport and hang out with my gal pals, but its hard when all they talk about is the men in their lives.

I thought tonight was going to be a stay at the house with the girls and chat. I knew that alone would be painful enough. Then a discussion came up that hurts me. It always has and probably always will. Its something i'll never be able to experience. Then we got the call to "hang out" with a few other people. So we went. I hate going in public with them. They all have men falling over them, when I am just plain. Background. Usually just there and introduced as the designated driver. Then bragging begins. Then the OMG! OMG! OMG! he is really into me talk. All when I feel like i'm dying on the inside. The one place I wanted to be was back at home in bed. I wished and hoped for it all night. Now, I can't do it. I don't want to be alone.

I just get so tired of being just me. I hate it. I hate the pain that I feel. I hate being stuck inside my head and sometimes just wish I could stop thinking for a while. It just hurts. I'm so tired of hurting.