Freedom

I'm free. Finally! I no longer look down at my hand and feel heartbroken. The bare finger is fine with me. Yes, I realize its bare, but it no longer breaks my heart or causes a welling up of emotion. I'm no longer tied to feeling like a bad person. I'm finally starting to feel like me again. I'm ready to move on in life. Alone, happy and free!

The Long Drive Home

I just wanted to get home. Thats it. Just wanted to be back in the safety of my house. Now that i'm here I can't stand it. The drive seemed to take forever. I mean what do you expect at 2:30 AM. I could have stayed in town, but I told them I just wanted to sleep in my bed. When in all actuality my bed is the last place I want to be. Its lonely there. Its lonely everywhere. I went out with 3 of the greatest girls I know tonight, but I was still alone. I hate that feeling. You know the one where you in a crowded place but you feel like you're the only person existing (or at least trying to). So many emotions are running through my head. I don't know which one to grab onto. The drive home didn't help since it was quiet the whole way (*note to self get a car with a radio!*). It was 30 minutes inside my head with nothing to distract me but my thoughts. Its my own inner sanctum of hell! I want to be happy, truly I do. Its hard to be though. Its hard to ignore the ache that is constantly in my chest. I want to be a good sport and hang out with my gal pals, but its hard when all they talk about is the men in their lives.

I thought tonight was going to be a stay at the house with the girls and chat. I knew that alone would be painful enough. Then a discussion came up that hurts me. It always has and probably always will. Its something i'll never be able to experience. Then we got the call to "hang out" with a few other people. So we went. I hate going in public with them. They all have men falling over them, when I am just plain. Background. Usually just there and introduced as the designated driver. Then bragging begins. Then the OMG! OMG! OMG! he is really into me talk. All when I feel like i'm dying on the inside. The one place I wanted to be was back at home in bed. I wished and hoped for it all night. Now, I can't do it. I don't want to be alone.

I just get so tired of being just me. I hate it. I hate the pain that I feel. I hate being stuck inside my head and sometimes just wish I could stop thinking for a while. It just hurts. I'm so tired of hurting.

fact or fiction

I've been reading this new book series. I've enjoyed them so much i've read 3 this week alone and they aren't thin books by any means. I can't help but want what the character has though. Not only does she have 1 guy that loves her for all eternity but 2! We'll just put aside the fact that one is a vampire and the other a werewolf. They truly love her and she loves them. I just can't help but wonder when i'll be able to love somebody. The kind of love that will last through all eternity, that is so strong that both of them are willing to give her up so she can be happy. I could understand her pain though when she was without either of them. Its the hole that feels like its going to consume you. Sometimes I wonder when my hole will be whole and a hole no longer.

Blogging

Ok, so here is my first shot at this. Usually I would just do this in my PFY, but since i've been kicked out of Egypt i'm starting my own space. I will ramble, I will vent, I will cry. Hope you enjoy!